We Should Found A School For Matchmakers

From 2005 – 2010, she and Rabbi Barry Dov Katz from Riverdale hosted a seminar at the Princeton University about the Jewish family within the Bible. Ruth Westheimer runs a private practice in New York and gives lectures around the world. She authored 35 books and has her own website (www.drruth.com). Segments of the nearly 500 television shows she moderated can be found on YouTube. She has two children, four grandchildren, and lives in New York. One day after her 84th birthday, on June 5th, the Museum of Jewish Heritage located at the southern tip of Manhattan will show a BBC documentary about her, telling the amazing story of how Karola Ruth Siegel became “Dr. Ruth”.
    She has known aufbau since the time she met her future husband Manfred Westheimer as a young immigrant in New York – thanks to the paper. She is also familiar with our sister paper tachles: A good friend always places the newest edition on her bed during her yearly visit to Switzerland.

AUFBAU: The traditional family consisting of a father, mother, and biological children living under one roof is more and more replaced by non-traditional family concepts. What do you understand by family?
RUTH WESTHEIMER: I grew up in an orthodox Jewish family, and that’s the culture I can relate to the most. This coming fall I will be hosting a seminar at the Teachers College of the Columbia University during which I will be focusing on the non-traditional family for the first time. However you define it, family is one of the most valuable gifts one can give to somebody.

Throughout your life, you’ve lived very different family structures. However, you’ve always strived to set up a traditional family. Do you attribute that to your early childhood influence?
Most certainly, but that’s not the only one. Just as intensely as my philosophy of life has been shaped by my early childhood experiences, it’s been influenced by the fact that I lost my entire family. I grew up in Frankfurt am Main in an orthodox family, and at the age of ten, I was sent to Switzerland where, from 1939 – 1945, I survived the Nazi era at the orthodox Kinderheim (children’s home) Wartheim in Heiden near St. Gallen. That was my second family. I conducted a study about the 300 children who lived with me at the Swiss Kinderheim Wartheim. Interestingly, all of us married very early. The need to restore what we’ve lost certainly played a significant role. Many of those early marriages have ended in divorce.  

Do you consider family to be the perfect scenario everybody tries to create for themselves?
In my opinion nothing is perfect. I’ve made five documentary films about different traditional family concepts up to now: About Ethiopian immigrants in Israel; about Bedouins in “Shifting Sands: Bedouin Women at the Crossroads” which is being aired by the public station; and about the Circassians, a film that will come out soon. I believe people in the western world want to have a “significant other”, an attachment figure. Does that lead to starting a traditional family? In most cases, probably not. But that’s a sign of our times.

Compared with most of the western countries, the USA has the highest marriage rate – and simultaneously the highest divorce rate. What is the difference between family life in America and in Europe?
I’m not an expert in that – I live over here. However, based on what I observed during my trips, my hypothesis is that the situation in Western Europe isn’t much different from the one over here; there might be a 10 year delay. Today, less people marry in Sweden, even if they do have children.

A new study by the Pew Research Center confirms that, in America, marriage continues to lose attraction compared to alternative ways of life like living together or living alone. Only 51 percent of all adults over the age of 18 are married (1960: 72 percent). This trend is especially noticeable amongst young adults: Only 20 percent of people from the age of 18 to 29 were married in 2010 (1960: 59 percent). Against this background, what does the future of family look like?
The need to have a family and to be part of an extended family will persist in the future. In that respect, television with its many programs, and the press did a disservice because they show ideal characters and stars, giving rise to unrealistic expectations concerning one’s own domestic partner. However, that’s fantasy, and not the reality. And whenever people are not realistic, that’s a big problem. I believe that is why we have so many single people today, women and men. Nowadays, women have their own income. It’s not like in the past when they had to get married. Today, many women earn more money than men. We see more singles in their thirties these days. And later on women get into a last-minute panic since their time to have children is limited.

How do you find your life partner?
Dreaming of a fairy tale prince on a white horse certainly is not the solution. That’s the reason you see, in New York and also on the internet, so many organizations trying to assist young singles in finding a life partner. I believe you have to be active. Visit a concert, a ballet – an experience you can take home with you. And if you meet somebody during the intermission, than that’s even better. However, it’s important to do something you yourself find interesting.
   
What do you think of the traditional Jewish “Schadchen” concept, a professional (female) matchmaker? 
I am very much in favor of that. For modern listeners this sounds horrible. Interestingly, young people from traditional orthodox or Chassidic families have an easier time finding a life partner. They know that, beginning with their 18th birthday, their parents and their friends make an effort to help them with that. They are surrounded by an entire network of people who are concerned with their future. Children from very orthodox families have a huge advantage when it comes to that. Here’s a new idea: There should be a class for Schadchen, and those Schadchen should not only be women but men and women studying the psychological trends of the specific group they are working with as well as modern topics like sexuality. We should found a school for matchmakers – lead by people who are knowledgeable and discrete!

A magnificent idea – hopefully somebody who is willing to finance such a school will read this article! But is the orthodox Jewish family any healthier? The number of divorces in the orthodox Jewish world is also on the rise. 
The Jewish tradition permits getting a “Get”, a divorce. I don’t quite like the fact that only men are allowed to grant the divorce. Generally speaking, however, I’m not against divorce. I don’t believe that couples should stay together at all costs. I’ve been divorced twice. I married my first husband in Israel. I didn’t have a family, and I wanted to have one. We are good friends up to this day. We divorced, and then I married a very good looking man for a short period of time. That one didn’t last very long either. My real marriage was my marriage to Fred Westheimer which lasted 39 years. Fred’s background was identical with mine. He came from Karlsruhe, a single child like me. His parents left Germany in 1938 and lived in Portugal. Fred adopted my daughter Miriam, and Joel was our common child. And we passed on our values: My daughter has been married for 35 years, my son for 20 years. I’m convinced that marriage as an institution will survive, even if it’s taking on a new form.

What role does sexuality play in a marriage?
I’m citing Ramban in Igeret Ha Kodesch in my book “Heavenly Sex. Sexuality in the Jewish Tradition”, published by Jonathan Mark: “If sex takes place for the sake of heaven, then there’s nothing more holy or pure.” What’s most important in a marriage, however, is the interpersonal relationship, the communication – and only if those function well we are able to discuss a good sex life. I can only do psycho-sexual therapy if the relationship works. And I’m not talking about a perfect “Hollywood” relationship but a normal one.

How can you keep a long-term relationship sexually exciting?
It’s most important that it never becomes boring. Try new positions. Find out what the other one likes. Experiment, if possible. However, always be sensitive to the needs of the other.

How can sexuality survive when children arrive?
With a closing device at the bedroom door. Not a lock – using a key frightens children – but a hook which can be used to lock the door from the inside. And with a hotel room. Go to a hotel every once in a while. You don’t have to stay the entire night, just for a few hours. Don’t tell anybody where you’re going, and bring flowers and champagne! ●

Rachel Stern is an independent curator and journalist working in New York.